My fascination with the answer-less questions of life has finally turned me into a member of Hermit's Anonymous. Astrology-- what the fuck?!?
Of course I know my sign, and I've suffered through the "sign compatibility" Google searches with countless girlfriends, but I've never given astrology much thought. The extent of my astrological knowledge goes as far as knowing that I am a Cancer, and according to one of the aforementioned (mandatory) compatibility searches, Cancer's have fantastic sex with Gemini's.*
Lately, it seems I've been having frequent run-ins with constellation inspired self-prophecy. A month ago, a friend sent me a text that read, "I never check my horoscope, but I did today, and when I read yours, I nearly fainted." She proceeded to send me the horoscope, and she was right- I was blown away by the accuracy as well.
Newspaper horoscopes are more of a novelty item filled with broad generalizations and speculations designed to be applicable to the masses. To put it another way, newspaper horoscopes are the McDonald's of horoscopes. The horoscope my friend sent me was different than any I had ever read before. Instead of vague generality, this horoscope was focused, clear, and addressed the very questions I had been kicking around in my head. It was, in a word, spooky.
So, after this unexplainable encounter with the stars, I began receiving my daily horoscope via Twitter. Perennially a favorite of all things space (otherwise known as Pothead Prospecting, or "Physics"), I began to entertain the possibility of the stars being a source for answers instead of a source for geeked-out eye candy. Why not, right? I mean hell, they are up there, and clearly the ancient Egyptians and Hopi Indians found some significance in astrology. Both the Great Pyramids of Giza and ancient Hopi cities of Mintaka, Oraibi, and Hotevilla all directly correspond to the three stars that make up Orion's Belt. Those are two entirely different ancient civilizations who performed the mathematical equivalent of turning a dog into a television. I'll save the "Ancient Aliens" rhetoric for another time, but the precision involved in these examples is to be revered.
And now, a brief history of astrology:
- Astrology originated with the Greeks. (There's a fucking surprise.)
- Ancient people used the positions of the sun and moon as well as the appearance of certain constellations as an almanac for planting season. It's worth saying that in 1733, Ben Franklin stole this idea, and writing under the pseudonym Richard Saunders (AKA the Original Tricky Dick), published 'Poor Richard's Almanac.' It was a massive success, selling some 10,000 copies per year, a circulation that is the equivalent of 3 million copies today. Baller.
- The Greek's were certain that a person's life was pre-determined and therefore predictable. By examining the positioning of certain heavenly bodies like the sun, moon, and Megan Fox, as well as the constellations present at the time of a person's birth, the Greek's began to fuck around with predicting the future. Speaking of ancient Greece and birth, one day Zeus got tired of hauling around his locomotive sized lightning rod, descended from the heavens, and took the form of a swan. Somehow, a suicidal eagle didn't get the e-mail, and began chasing the swan. The swan sought refuge with a woman named Leda who was on her way home from working a double at the bath complex. Leda, who liked the sauce and had downed two bottles of wine before the long walk home, decided that today would be a good day to give bestiality a go. The swan killed it, and then snuck away, leaving Leda preggers. The result of Leda's encounter was Helen of Troy. Poseidon never let him live it down. (Coincidentally, Lady GaGa was also 'born this way.')
- The ancient Egyptian astrologer Ptolemy (who was rumored to be more boring than a Glen Beck play) used data from previous astrologers to map over 1,000 stars, compile a list of 48 constellations, and essentially describe the longitude and latitude lines of the earth. Ptolemy, who enticed his audience to his lectures with a sign that read "Free Manna," proclaimed that the earth was the center of the universe, and published a 13 volume work on the subject called the "Almagest." At the length of the Harry Potter and Twilight series combined, Ptolemy's work was criticized as "dry, tedious, and difficult to read," proving once and for all that douchebaggery through criticism is the timeless birthright of all mankind. Today, much of Ptolemy's work has been called bullshit by the scientific community. Poor fella.
- Skipping ahead to the 16th century, we get to a man named William Lilly. Not wanting to go the way of Lizzy Proctor, Lilly made the practice of reading horoscopes more palatable to stuffy churchgoers by calling it "Christian Astrology." Lilly also created much controversy when he allegedly predicted the Great Fire of London 14 years before it went down. This led many to believe he and his team started the blaze, and Lilly eventually had to answer to Parliament. Proclaiming his innocence, he opened his trial by boldly stating: "we didn't start the fire." He was found innocent, and his words went on to be the inspiration for the hit Billy Joel song of the same name. Like Leda from ancient Greece, Lilly never met a God-inspired loophole he didn't like, and consequently avoided being put to death by burning at the stake.
"Suckers!" - Leda and Lilly.
- Today: Hacks abound, the field of astrology has largely been reduced to the aforementioned newspaper horoscopes and late night TV ads featuring large women with fake Jamaican accents.** Therefore, many people find astrology to be a joke, but the anticipation of the end of the Mayan calendar (2012) and the LEGITIMATE finding of a massive new planet in our solar system is starting to prove that there might be something to this astrology business after all...
Stay tuned for part two.
*It's true.
**I'm talking to you, Miss Cleo.
