Today has been an interesting day for this project, as today was the first time I've been tested by life to put what I've been learning into practice...
I can't fucking eat.
Days like today make me realize how important it is to take proper care of yourself, otherwise the mind will be the first thing to go. Eating is fundamental and when you no longer have the ability to do that, well, let's just say things get frustrating...
When I sat down to meditate today, it was impossible to get to that place. It was impossible to let the thoughts come and go and a vicious game of tug of war began in my mind. After 45 minutes of sheer frustration, I stopped trying, citing lack of sleep and horrible stomach pain as the reasons for my meditation road block. As a result, I spent much of the rest of the day wandering around aimlessly, obsessing over the pain. Thankfully, I've also been lucky enough to be distracted by something awesome today, so I've managed to keep my anger level in check. But goddamn if I don't want to smash a guitar right now...
Burning. That's the only way I can describe it, really. The pain sits right above my belly button and radiates all the way to the right side of my upper back. It's like being kicked in the balls and hit in the back with a sledgehammer at the same time. I'd rather get blown by the devil.
I've tried to find the lesson in today's pain, and as usual, it's been right in front of my face the whole time: slow down. When I let my thoughts go unchecked I have a tendency to work myself into needless anxiety and frustration. That's what happened today. Instead of recognizing that today was going to be a little bit uncomfortable, I obsessed over ways to make the pain stop. Buddhism has been telling me that everything I need is within myself, and I completely ignored that little chestnut of wisdom for most of the day. Sitting here trying to figure out what the hell happened today, it's painfully easy to see, and when I'm done writing this, I'm going to try and meditate again. There's an old saying that has sadly made it's way onto magnets sold at places like The Container Store and Barnes and Noble that goes like this: Peace does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart. Yeah, it may be a little corny, but I'll be damned if it isn't true.
Life is inconsistent, but we don't have to be. On days like today, although it might take a little more effort to "tune in", challenging ourselves to face whatever it is that is fucking with our equilibrium needs to be done. It is the only way to become unshakable during those times when everything around you seems to be falling apart. By taking the time to slow down and letting my thoughts happen organically, I am beginning to understand how incredibly beneficial (psychologically, if nothing else) prescribing to a religion can be. Sure, there are aspects of Buddhism that I find bat-shit cray (more on that later), but for sheer practicality, I know of no other religion that encourages you to rely on yourself instead of a deity as adamantly as Buddhism. Too many of us have been convinced by others that we are something we are not, and have lost faith in ourselves as a result. With Buddhism, though, the sky's the limit.
