Day 4: Sometimes You Just Have to Bitchslap Your Brain

Today has been an interesting day for this project, as today was the first time I've been tested by life to put what I've been learning into practice...

I can't fucking eat.

Days like today make me realize how important it is to take proper care of yourself, otherwise the mind will be the first thing to go. Eating is fundamental and when you no longer have the ability to do that, well, let's just say things get frustrating...

When I sat down to meditate today, it was impossible to get to that place. It was impossible to let the thoughts come and go and a vicious game of tug of war began in my mind. After 45 minutes of sheer frustration, I stopped trying, citing lack of sleep and horrible stomach pain as the reasons for my meditation road block. As a result, I spent much of the rest of the day wandering around aimlessly, obsessing over the pain. Thankfully, I've also been lucky enough to be distracted by something awesome today, so I've managed to keep my anger level in check. But goddamn if I don't want to smash a guitar right now...

Burning. That's the only way I can describe it, really. The pain sits right above my belly button and radiates all the way to the right side of my upper back. It's like being kicked in the balls and hit in the back with a sledgehammer at the same time. I'd rather get blown by the devil.

I've tried to find the lesson in today's pain, and as usual, it's been right in front of my face the whole time: slow down. When I let my thoughts go unchecked I have a tendency to work myself into needless anxiety and frustration. That's what happened today. Instead of recognizing that today was going to be a little bit uncomfortable, I obsessed over ways to make the pain stop. Buddhism has been telling me that everything I need is within myself, and I completely ignored that little chestnut of wisdom for most of the day. Sitting here trying to figure out what the hell happened today, it's painfully easy to see, and when I'm done writing this, I'm going to try and meditate again. There's an old saying that has sadly made it's way onto magnets sold at places like The Container Store and Barnes and Noble that goes like this: Peace does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart. Yeah, it may be a little corny, but I'll be damned if it isn't true.

Life is inconsistent, but we don't have to be. On days like today, although it might take a little more effort to "tune in", challenging ourselves to face whatever it is that is fucking with our equilibrium needs to be done. It is the only way to become unshakable during those times when everything around you seems to be falling apart. By taking the time to slow down and letting my thoughts happen organically, I am beginning to understand how incredibly beneficial (psychologically, if nothing else) prescribing to a religion can be. Sure, there are aspects of Buddhism that I find bat-shit cray (more on that later), but for sheer practicality, I know of no other religion that encourages you to rely on yourself instead of a deity as adamantly as Buddhism. Too many of us have been convinced by others that we are something we are not, and have lost faith in ourselves as a result. With Buddhism, though, the sky's the limit.

What's the Fequency, Kenneth?

Energy. When we think of energy we usually relate it to something tangible, like a stove or a light bulb. But what about the energy we cannot see? How is it created? Can we create, through positive brain waves, a law of attraction? As the book "The Secret" suggests, can it really be as simple as thinking what you want into existence?

To be honest, I have no fucking clue.

All I have to go by is my experiences, and I've felt the effects of invisible energy many, many times in my life. For those of us who are music lovers, we typically love music for precisely what I'm talking about- energy. Think of your favorite song. Chances are it's your favorite song because it makes you feel good; it elicits a positive response from your brain. You sing at the top of your lungs (when nobody is around, of course), letting yourself go, succumbing to the rhythms and melodies as your heart bursts with happiness. The song ends and you feel like you've just run a marathon, and won. That's energy.

OK so hear me out. For a while now, I've been thinking about things I don't really understand, and one of them is frequencies. There are certain frequencies associated with different things, for example, genetic biochemists use the Solfeggio frequency of 528 Hz to repair broken strands of DNA. Think about that for a moment. There are people out there manipulating DNA, the fucking blueprint of life, through sound. What?!? So, in my constant effort to "figure it all out," I've been thinking about the relationship between brain waves and the natural frequencies of the Earth. I know this is going to sound all Avatar, but I truly believe that when you see somebody doing something exceptionally well, like Tiger stepping up to the tee and knocking the piss out of the ball, they are able to do that because their energy and the Earth's energy are in harmony. Thoughts are caused by little electrical sparks. These sparks create energy. Energy emits waves. Waves can be detected as sound. The Earth is constantly spinning. Spinning produces energy. The Earth produces sound as well. Simultaneously sounded notes produce harmony, or a sound that has a pleasing effect. Is it really so hard to imagine, then, that a state of unconscious perfection (or zen) is attainable by simply figuring out your notes and syncing them with the Earth's song? That was a gay analogy, but think about it. When people say some hippie shit like "I am one with the earth", who the hell are we to say they aren't?

It's a stretch, I know. But, there is an energy that we cannot see, science has proven this. Otherwise, they wouldn't be able to call it science. Personally, I've been trying to put a lot of positive energy into the world over the past few days, and something is happening. Those fleeting moments of mindless connectedness I've been getting during meditation are beginning to happen more frequently. Usually I get so excited when I realize I'm having one of these moments (holy shit, I'm really doin' it!) that I snap myself right back into thinking about thinking. But when I can let the thoughts come and go, independent of any agenda, I can feel the hum of the Earth, and it seems to be bringing positive things to my life. I haven't been able to make it last longer than a few seconds yet, but the clarity and calm I feel as a result of these close encounters of the zen kind is, in a world, exhilarating.

Something's going on, I can feel it...and thankfully I no longer have to look for the answer as to what that "something" is. It's energy.

Day 2: Go Out Back and Get Dinner

I was outside on my back porch smoking a cigarette breaking Buddhist commandments numbers 1 and 5, when I noticed a fishing pole stuck in the ground by the banks of the lake...this got me thinking...

...i can't fish for shit..i do love fly fishing though...Christians fish...are you kiddin' me, Christians fished like a motherfucker!...they even had that symbol...i wonder if Buddhists fish...they must fish, what with all the caves and nature and streams and shit they meditate by...i know Buddhists are supposed to be vegetarians, so it's probably more of a catch-and-release type of situation...but then how would anybody ever know they caught anything?...i bet Buddhist fishing stories are crazy, "that damn fish was so big it almost didn't exist!"...maybe that's more existentialist than Buddhist...

Then my neighbor walks down to one of the fishing poles, pulls it out of the ground, reels it up and blammo: dinner. He unhooks his catch, drops the pole, and casually walks back towards his porch, fish flopping in hand. I'm all for fresh, the best sushi I ever had was some tuna plucked straight out of the pacific and into my belly in only a matter of minutes, but something about watching my neighbor left me feeling off. I don't know, maybe it's all the Buddhist stuff I've been reading; it's definitely prompted question after question. I've done the veggie thing before and I didn't really feel a difference. Frankly, I just don't care enough about animal rights and burgers taste good. It's hard for me to argue with myself with that logic...

But, Buddhism is challenging me in many ways I did not anticipate. For some reason, I thought this was going to be easy. As usual, I was wrong.

Day 1: What the Dukkha?

It's been my experience that when I need to quit something, the best way to go about doing it is to go cold turkey. Otherwise, I will never stop. The same holds true for when I go through one of my highly motivated phases and my head fills with ideas and projects and goals. If I don't throw myself immediately into whatever it is I want to start doing, I simply will never start.

This morning is a prime example. Last night I drew up a schedule for myself detailing my daily activities during my 21 days as a Buddhist. Today, being day numero uno, I had slated myself for a 6 a.m. wake up call. Then, it was 7 a.m. Then 8 a.m. I finally rolled my lazy, undisciplined ass out of bed at 8:52 a.m., which I never like because when I do things right, I have already made a french press and have a cup of coffee in hand before Regis and Kelly start at 9 a.m. Those are the good days. If I wake up later than I intended to I feel like I'm running late the rest of the day. Plus, the mental ramifications of not sticking to my plans make me feel uncomfortable and tense. I slacked this morning, and paid the price. Although I didn't have to work until 11 a.m., I left myself no time to accomplish anything I wanted to. Needless to say, I set myself up for a mediocre day all for a few more selfish hours of sleep.

I did read though. I started reading "The Heart of the Buddha's Teaching" by Thich Nhat Hanh, and have slowly started to realize that everything I thought I knew about Buddhism was wrong. First of all, there is no "bible" for Buddhism. There are records of different discussions and ideas, but there is no single book that claims to have the way. When Siddartha Gautama left his wife and children at the age of 29, he had one goal in mind: figure out how to end suffering. He spent six years traveling and studying with many different teachers. One day he sat down to meditate at the base of the bodhi tree and vowed not to stand up until he was enlightened. Shortly before morning, Siddartha had a profound breakthrough and became a Buddha filled with compassion and love. He spent the next 49 days enjoying his new found peace until he finally made his way back to civilization to share what he had learned.

That's it. Granted, I'm paraphrasing, but that's the story. No virgins, no wise men, no north stars, no immaculate conceptions, no lambs; just a guy sitting under a tree. And that's the beauty of Buddhism, it's not necessarily a religion per se, but a state of mind. Each and every one of us is capable of attaining enlightenment and becoming a Buddha. Buddhism is a state of mind, the perfect state of mind, where our minds and bodies are completely in sync and 100 percent present in the here and now. We have all experienced this at some point in our lives, that moment when "it all comes together," especially for those of us who played sports or musical instruments. There have been moments of synchronicity for me when skiing, moments when my mind and body are so perfectly in tune with my equipment and terrain that thinking dissolves into doing; the two become one. Those moments can shake you to your very core. It's exhilarating to possess that much energy; the only reason it ever goes away is because most of us have not yet developed the ability to manage such an overwhelming force. This comes through meditation, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

The substance of Buddhism comes from Buddha's Four Noble Truths. These are:

1. Suffering (Dukkha) - All of us experience some sort of discomfort (suffering) in our minds and bodies. Buddhism encourages us to recognize and acknowledge the presence of our suffering; touch the suffering.

2. Origins of Suffering (Samudaya) - The origin, roots, nature, creation, or arising of suffering. After we recognize and touch our suffering, we must look deeply into it to see how our suffering came to be. We pinpoint the spiritual and material things we have consumed that are causing us to suffer.

3. Cessation of Creating Suffering (Nirodha) - We must refrain from doing the things that make us suffer. Healing becomes possible.

4. The Path (Marga) - This is the path, or direction that leads to refraining from doing the things that cause us to suffer.

Today I've been thinking about the first of these Four Noble Truths, suffering. We all suffer. Any time the mind and body feel a sense of unease we are suffering. I didn't stick to the schedule I had made for myself and I've felt like shit all day- this is a form of suffering. Certainly it's not the same as the suffering caused by, say, zipping your balls up in your zipper, but it is suffering nonetheless. Buddhism teaches us that although impermanence is guaranteed, suffering is optional. Hell, the whole reason I started this exercise was to find a way to alleviate suffering. It perplexes me, it really does. So many of us walk around with attitudes of righteousness, yet live lives of quiet desperation, like Thoreau said. If the underbelly of life were exposed, all of humanity would see that everybody is afraid. We are afraid of death, we are afraid of divorce, we are afraid we'll lose our jobs, our cars, our houses, our identities- all of us are afraid of losing something. And for me, the saddest part of that is the truth. Yes. Slowly, we are losing everything. Nothing is permanent and everything changes. But, as Buddhism tells us, we can choose not to suffer.

That's a shitload to take in all in one day. Everything has a duality. Birth and Death. Marriage and Divorce. Peace and War. Turkey and Tofurkey. OK so maybe not that last one, but what I'm trying to say is that even though everything is essentially suffering, we could not experience joy without it. My head hurts, it's almost midnight, and I can already hear my rigorous self-imposed schedule laughing at me tomorrow morning. Suffering. Dukkha. I think I'm beginning to understand...